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To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.Ogden Nash
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You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.Ogden Nash
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Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.Ogden Nash
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Higgledy piggledy, my black hen, She lays eggs for gentlemen. Gentlemen come every day To count what my black hen doth lay. If perchance she lays too many, They fine my hen a pretty penny; If perchance she fails to lay, The gentlemen a bonus pay. Mumbledy pumbledy, my red cow, She’s cooperating now. At first she didn’t understand That milk production must be planned; She didn’t understand at first She either had to plan or burst, But now the government reports She’s giving pints instead of quarts. Fiddle de dee, my next-door neighbors, They are giggling at their labors. First they plant the tiny seed, Then they water, then they weed, Then they hoe and prune and lop, They they raise a record crop, Then they laugh their sides asunder, And plow the whole caboodle under. Abracadabra, thus we learn The more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you’re given, The less you lead, the more you’re driven, The more destroyed, the more they feed, The more you pay, the more they need, The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take If the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake. .Ogden Nash
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How do I feel today? I feel as unfit as an unfiddle, And it is the result of a certain turbulence in the mind and an uncertain burbulence in the middle. What was it, anyway, that angry thing that flew at me? I am unused to banshees crying Boo at me. Your wife can’t be a banshee– Or can she?Ogden Nash
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Which the Chicken and Which the Egg?He drinks because she scolds, he thinks; She thinks she scolds because he drinks; And nether will admit what's true, That he's a sot and she's a shrew.Ogden Nash
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A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.Ogden Nash
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If you don’t want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.Ogden Nash
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Everybody who has a baby thinks everybody who hasn't a baby ought to have a baby, Which accounts for the success of such plays as the Irish Rose of Abie, The idea apparently being that just by being fruitful You are doing something beautiful, Which if it is true Means that the common housefly is several million times more beautiful than me or you.Ogden Nash
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Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.Ogden Nash
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To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up."~ Happy birthday Ogden Nash! (born 8.19.1902)Ogden Nash
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Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny — Did you ever try buying them without money.Ogden Nash
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Very Like a WhaleOne thing that literature would be greatly the better for Would be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and metaphor. Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons or Celts, Can'ts seem just to say that anything is the thing it is but haveto go out of their way to say that it is like something else. What foes it mean when we are told That the Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold? In the first place, George Gordon Byron had had enough experience To know that it probably wasn't just one Assyrian, it was a lotof Assyrians.However, as too many arguments are apt to induce apoplexy and thus hinder longevity, We'll let it pass as one Assyrian for the sake of brevity. Now then, this particular Assyrian, the one whose cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold, Just what does the poet mean when he says he came down like a wolfon the fold? In heaven and earth more than is dreamed of in our philosophy thereare a great many things, But i don't imagine that among then there is a wolf with purpleand gold cohorts or purple and gold anythings. No, no, Lord Byron, before I'll believe that this Assyrian was actually like a wolf I must have some kind of proof; Did he run on all fours and did he have a hairy tail and a big redmouth and big white teeth and did he say Woof woof? Frankly I think it very unlikely, and all you were entitled to say, at the very most, Was that the Assyrian cohorts came down like a lot of Assyrian cohorts about to destroy the Hebrew host. But that wasn't fancy enough for Lord Byron, oh dear me no, he hadto invent a lot of figures of speech and then interpolatethem, With the result that whenever you mention Old Testament soldiersto people they say Oh yes, they're the ones that a lotof wolves dressed up in gold and purple ate them. That's the kind of thing that's being done all the time by poets, from Homer to Tennyson;They're always comparing ladies to lilies and veal to venison, And they always say things like that the snow is a white blanketafter a winter storm. Oh it is, is it, all right then, you sleep under a six-inch blanketof snow and I'll sleep under a half-inch blanket of unpoeticalblanket material and we'll see which one keeps warm, And after that maybe you'll begin to comprehend dimly, What I mean by too much metaphor and simile.Ogden Nash
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Parsley is gharsley.Ogden Nash
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He who has never tasted jail Lives well within the legal pale, While he who's served a heavy sentence Renews the racket, not repentance.Ogden Nash
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...I would not engage the wombat In any form of mortal combat.Ogden Nash
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Were it not for frustration and humiliation I suppose the human race would get ideas above its station.Ogden Nash
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I am tarred and feathered with Time.Ogden Nash
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Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.Ogden Nash
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The Bronx? No Thonx!Ogden Nash
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In the world of mules There are no rules.Ogden Nash
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Middle age: when you're sitting at home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.Ogden Nash
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Senescence begins And middle age ends The day your descendants Outnumber your friends.Ogden Nash
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If called by a panther Don't anther.Ogden Nash
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Middle age is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is.Ogden Nash
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Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor.Ogden Nash
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Another good thing about gossip is that it is within everybody's reach And it is much more interesting than any other form of speech.Ogden Nash
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People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.Ogden Nash
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Here's a good rule of thumb Too clever is dumb.Ogden Nash
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Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.Ogden Nash
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Some people's money is merited and other people's is inherited.Ogden Nash
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The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin with a grin.Ogden Nash
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The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure.Ogden Nash
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Poets aren't very useful because they aren't consumeful or very produceful.Ogden Nash
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Progress might have been all right once but it's gone on too long.Ogden Nash
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One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.Ogden Nash
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Parsely is gharsley.Ogden Nash
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In the world of mules there are no rules.Ogden Nash
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There are people who are very resourceful At being remorseful And who apparently feel that the best way to make friends Is to do something terrible and then make amends.Ogden Nash
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Here lies my past Goodbye I have kissed it Thank you kids I wouldn't have missed it.Ogden Nash
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Purity is obscurity.Ogden Nash
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Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.Ogden Nash
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I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.Ogden Nash
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To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.Ogden Nash
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Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.Ogden Nash
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If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.Ogden Nash
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Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.Ogden Nash
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Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.Ogden Nash
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There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.Ogden Nash
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The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.Ogden Nash
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The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.Ogden Nash
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Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.Ogden Nash
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Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.Ogden Nash
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Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?Ogden Nash